I try to avoid looking back at my past, because it has a way of frustrating my present.The past is gone, but it will live in your present as long as you continue to breathe life in it. I am reminded of the many things I have overcome. My journey has not been easy and some thoughts are still a part of me. No matter how hard I try to rid myself of them, they linger. I do not use it as an excuse to go backwards. I have learned, I do not belong in the past… I’m not going that way. I must propel myself forward at all cost and not look back. It is in these times that I am alone. There are things in life that we can’t include others in. While friends, family and spouses have their place, there are some things they will not understand. It is not their journey. It was meant for you, so why should they understand? This can be a lonely place for many of us.
I have often dealt with a void in my life. It was as if something I needed so badly was missing. It was a place of loneliness, almost as if no one understood me. I thought to myself, because no one understand me, how could they love me? I was looking for a void to be filled, by a person in the context of a relationship. I found myself putting a huge responsibility on a person, who never agreed to it. We automatically believe because we love a person, then they should automatically love us, the same way we love them. We put this responsibility on them to match our love and they didn’t ask for it and they are not aware. This caused a deeper frustration in me. I jumped in and out of relationships until I realized, what I was looking for only God could give me. Once I gave God my all, things started to change. I grew, I experienced His love in a new and exciting way. It was beautiful, God was so beautiful to me and He loved me so much. The void I had was no more. For the first time in my life, I felt loved and was content. Its a feeling that you always want to keep.
As time went on, I learned valuable lessons and promised to keep them close to my heart. One day, God seen fit to send me a husband. Of course it was an unexpected blessing and I was thrilled and so very happy. He came in the middle of my storm and I was so blessed by him, his presence and his love for God. I quickly latched on to him. I thought because I have a husband he will take over and fill that void. I thought to myself, God has kept things under control, but now it was time to pass the baton. Well…It didn’t quite work that way. My husband loved me and it was beautiful, but God let me know that there is a certain place that is only meant for Him. I admit, I was taken back and didn’t understand. God let me know, Just because I gave you a husband, doesn’t mean you insert him in the place that I am supposed to occupy.” God let me know it was business as usual. He and I had work to continue and He was not going to allow me to get distracted. Was my husband a distraction? Absolutely not, but God had started a work in me and He needed to continue.
You may ask, why does God do these kinds of things? I can’t answer that question for everyone. For me, He was calling me to a higher standard. He wanted me to totally rely on Him. He didn’t want me to build my trust in my husband and his abilities. While my husband is a pastor, and wonderful man of God; he is still a human being. People are unpredictable. Of course people don’t always intentionally set out to hurt you, but sometimes it happens. God wants everyone to know, that He is the only one you can fully rely on. That does not mean you don’t trust your spouse, family or friends; it means that you can’t expect from them something that only God can give. This can be difficult for some to grasp. Even I have grappled with it at times. God is never wrong and He knows best, we just have to allow Him full reign. Wherever you find yourself know that He is near….
Be blessed!